THE END IS NIGH!!!!!
Back in the 70s when I was a college student whose mind was unknowingly remotely controlled by peer pressure, and the latest airheaded , irresponsible liberal agenda, I thought I was a wise, independent and a free thinking agent advanced beyond my years. Little did I know that my thought process had been hijacked, rendered inoperative and then infiltrated and commandeered by academic gobbledygook and professors who exist in the publish or perish world, whose very existence depends on irresponsibly dreaming up new ways for the human race to go extinct. In academia ideas only have to sell books and garner spots on the lecture circuit – honesty, measurable proof, usefulness, tangible results and the betterment of the human race are all considered irrelevant nonessentials. A professor’s ideas don’t have to be practical, realistic, doable or responsible for anything even remotely resembling truth as long as they are critical of the conservative status quo, deemed edgy by the liberal status quo and offensive to Republicans. In what now seems like an R rated horror movie, my professors filled my head with as many fears of pending apocalypses as they could conjure up in their fertilized by booze , need-to-publish-to-eat minds. Hollywood worthy killer bees were going to kill us all in a slow agonizing way or army ants were going to devour everything green in the Midwest. Acid rain was going to melt our bodies as surely as the Ark of the Covenant melted the Nazis in the Raiders of the Lost Ark. The biggest fear with which our professors filled our heads was the imminent ice age, which during our lifetimes and probably before we had the chance to get married, was going to cause most of us to starve to death if we didn’t freeze first or get squashed by galloping glaciers. The few unlucky survivors would devolve back to looking like their furry Cro-Magnon great great great grandparents. Most people assume it was sex, drugs and rock and roll which led to the hippie movement in the 60s and 70s. Not so. Any responsible sociologist will tell you it was fear of the just- around-the corner ice age which caused people to evolve into hippiehood in the early regressive steps towards human recromagnonization. If the human race was going to survive the pending multi-millennial ice age we were going to have to become as furry as Chewbacca , and this my friend was what birthed the hippie movement and why men grew their hair and beards women stopped shaving their legs and underarms. Hippies were the result of climate change.
For the past 30 years or so, after global cooling failed to materialize and kill us off, it became impossible for professors to sell books about ice. They had to come up with some other means of paying the mortgage and putting their own kids through the thought sapping process called higher education. Since the world was not covered in ice it must mean that the opposite was true, and voila! Global warming was imagined. A whole new industry centered on the Earth becoming hotter and hotter until we all cooked like shrimp on the barbie opened up making possible countless book, interview, and lucrative documentary opportunities with which to scare the masses. The icing on the cake was that it was now possible to blame Republicans and big business for causing what became known as global warming. For the professors in need of a crisis in order to pay their bills this was a Godsend, assuming of course that the cerebreal pneumatoidanal (Greek for air head) professors believed in a supreme deity. Terrify people. Blame the rich and take their money. Scare the bejeebers out of the mindless beer and bong addled college kids and get them to believe that unless everyone bought into the global warming hysteria they would be dead, gone and cooked before needing to rent their graduation gowns.
Now that true stories about global warming researchers being perilously trapped in summer ice in the Antarctica and snow owls being filmed in Florida have garnered front page in the press it is time to put an end to the global warming market. Universities are about to find themselves overstocked with a glut unmarketable global warmists. Global warming professors have become this century’s 8 track tapes and are now passé and as useless as Obamacare contraceptives at a convent. We need something new to scare us into buying professor’s books. We need something truly scary to keep us awake at night. We need a modern day equivalent of campfire horror stories to quicken our pulse on the TV talk shows. We must not let the internet go to waste with nothing to terrify us.
I have discovered a new and improved fear, the new source of horror, the new reality which will terrorize our school children, drive Hollywood to produce a whole new genre of terror movies and which will keep the next generation of university professors employed. It is more sinister than the threat of an asteroid strike. More fearsome than the threat of the Yellowstone magma chamber blowing us to smithereens. The new threat is not a global cooling redux, our fear from the past, nor is it global warming which will be chapter 43 in next year’s history books. The new threat, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, is climate stagnation. Worldwide our climate is going to go blah on us, and become one giant vanilla flavored , static, unchanging uniformity. The whole planet will cool where it is hot and become hotter where it is cold until the entire surface of the planet becomes a gloomy 47 degrees. It will be too warm for ice, and too cold for agriculture and we are all gonna die.
Years ago Robert Phrost’s presciently penned poem stated,
Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I’ve tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate To say that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice.
What no one knew up until now was there was a second verse to Robert Frost’s famous poem. Since he couldn’t decide if wanted to freeze or fry as his chosen means of death he penned the following words, which the world’s governments have hidden from us in an effort to stem the panic which would ensue should the words be made public.
Some would say a nation Could face no greater condemnation Then to be neither hot nor cold, In damnable stagnation
The proofs for climate stagnation are now settled science. Only flat earthers still believe the archaic and never proven theory of global warming. The much vaunted IPCC (Intergovernmental Panel of Crazy ol’ Coots) is only just now getting around to updating (fudging) their reports in what amounts to the biggest “Just kidding” moment in human history. “Global warming? We NEVER said global warming. No, that was really an intern’s typo. What we said was GLOBAL WARNING about everything dangerous in our world; heat, cold, volcanoes, bubonic plague, asteroids, Mitt Romney and South African vuvuzelas. “
The climate change pendulum has swung from cooling to warming. But just like those decorative desk pendulum ornaments sold by inspirational companies that try to make you feel good about yourself, the little bouncing steel balls of global cooling and global warming are now stalled. The climate change pendulum has stopped swinging and now the horrors of climate stagnation are setting in and I repeat, we’re all gonna die miserably.
The first thing that will happen as the climate stagnates is that all the accumulated carbon in the atmosphere is going to fall out. This will happen any day now as the atmospheric carbon reaches its saturation point and crystalizes forming diamonds which will fall to earth. Any woman reading this will initially be overjoyed as she thinks of her best friends falling from the sky free of charge, needing only to be, like manna in the desert, scooped up by the bucketful. This is not a good thing. Diamonds are hard, one of the hardest substances on the planet. As the diamonds come crashing back to earth, they will be like a hundred billion trillion catrillion little scythes cutting off all plant matter at the root leaving the planet as treeless as the Sahara desert. People, cowering in fear and seeking shelter from the little devil diamonds will impotently watch as the diamonds cut through the roofs of their houses with no more resistance than hot needles being poked into a stick of butter. Drill bits are often made of diamonds. Why should we not think that diamonds falling through the air at terminal velocity won’t have the same effect as a miner’s drill bit? The falling diamonds will also kill off all the methane producing cows, only exacerbating the speed with which the climate will stagnate.
The economic fall out from climate stagnation is almost too huge to imagine. As the cooler but not cold temperature covers the planet summer and winter fashions will instantly be discarded and people will be confused wondering if it is spring or fall? Beach wear will be out as will ski wear. The only seasonal clothing will be early spring or late fall. As the Earth attains its steady 47 degrees youth camps will suffer greatly as they can no longer offer summer or winter camp and who ever heard of youth camp in mid March? This will cause marriages to fail as the kids will be at home year round.
A third catastrophe we will encounter as the climate stagnates to its perpetual 47 degrees Fahrenheit is that the earth will be covered in mud and shallow water. The ice will melt at the poles, but the ground itself will cool as the water covers the face of the planet. Unlike global warmists who used to predict a major sea level rise, the rise will only be a few inches. The shallow water coverage of planet earth will be caused by temperature induced global continental isostatic rebound and subduction zone reflux which will mean global subsurface equalization. The end result is that the earth’s surface will be smoother more level and the depth of the water covering the planet will be two inches. Computer models can verify all of this, and yes, the science is settled.
What can we do about this unavoidable catastrophe? The truth? Nothing. However, even though the science is settled we need to do more research so that we will know when we can stop paying the mortgage at the point credit scores become immaterial. As the original discoverer of the phenomenon of climate stagnation and the first to articulate this problem in an understandable way , it is incumbent upon me to do further research. If you care to help fund this research please contact me via the comments section of this blog. My research will include SCUBA diving in warm seas to catalog that which will be lost as the oceans cool. I will also need to kayak cool coastal regions such as Chile’s and Norway’s fiords to gain an understanding of what the world will look like at 47 degrees. To document this I will need some cool cameras and then a couple of large plasma TVs on which to observe my recordings. To get to the hard to reach places for research I will need a really good SUV, and a couple of good boats. Proper outdoor protective clothing from Northface and Columbia will be needed. Because the US government is still in collusion with the global warmists they have refused to grant me tax deductible status. Therefore, I can only send you thank you notes for your contributions and not receipts you can use for tax purposes.
My fellow inhabitants of planet Earth, our home is doomed. There is no escape. It has been an honor to be part of the human race with you all and to share the experience we called life. It has been a good journey. Now as we face the twilight of our existence let us go to our muddy graves with courage content in the knowledge that we have fought the good fight. Goodbye and good luck. Since there will be on one left to whom we can leave a legacy, go ahead and panic. No one will be around to notice.